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August already time does fly. Rock is on his way home today I am so excited. I hope he stays here. He has been thryu alot. The drugs were enough. His outlook is good. His brother really wants to help. My life is good things are changing. both my sons will be here it has been many years. Angelo didnt talk to me for 5 years and rock was in Texas for Iquess 10 years after I left there. Last time I saw him he was a walking dead man. He was like a shell. I thought my alcoholism was bad but crack is something that takes there soul. He will be here on the 3rd 2 more days. yeahhhhhhhhh.

It has been such a long time since I have written. so many things have happened. I have so many knew friends in my life. I believe in god but also in the goddess. AA wouldn't believe that so I have kept that part quiet in that aspect of my life. I used to practice a lot more. and now feeling the tug to get back to my pagan ways. I know I should cause no harm and turn the other cheek. But I got involved with a man in AA and what a screwball I guess I find them no matter what. My old boyfriend has been around a lot even helped me move Michael stuff out of my house. George just didn't want me to be hurt. He has been a dear friend. I have so many I never really knew it because I lived in a fog of alcohol for so long and being bi-polar the 2 were deadly. There has been a lot of negative people around lately so I have purified my house and the vibes are back to normal. My son is coming home on August the 3rd. cant wait to see him don't know if he will stay or go. we are such nomads him and I. My other son likes to be settled they are so different. I love having them back in my life you don't realize all the harm drugs and alcohol does to your family till you are recovered. and the only way for me to stay that way is to be spiritual. and to help others hope all is well with the people who read this

Blessed be

so many things are going on in my life sometimes I wonder how I keep up. I have 5 months sober now. I have worked my steps and am looking for people to sponser. I wish my finances would straighten out. I really need to get off my ass and find a job. I went to school and didnt finnish now i am afraid to go back. I need to get a job but am afraid to go and get one. the fear of not being good enough then I have to look at do I lose all my assistance. it is not enough to live on oh well another day of wondering

went to the hospital got out a couple of days ago. My meds are changed. I no longer feel like killing everyone around me then myself. What little bit of sanity I have came thru. I truly want to live I am not happy with my living arrangements G does not have a clue how my brain works. I have taken him to the docs with me and he has talked with others. I asked him to go to couples counseling. We will see. I love him I dont like that I get no support and when I try and get outside support he doesn't want me out at night he finds a million excuses. Went to my 1st AA meeting in a very long time. It made grateful that I am alive and can change the behaviors that come along with my illness. I lack structure and the rooms gave me that before and will work again. I have been on the marijuana maintenance program and want off the roller coaster. My son is doing good I heard from him I don't know where he is at but he is alive and sounds more coherent than he has in a long time.